The Dark Side of Wellness

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Project 50/50 - week 14 "Ready for Bed"

In the last few weeks, a handful of people from disparate parts of my life (an old friend, a new friend, a blog subscriber, students) have asked me, in one way or another, how I got myself all together, how I got so “wise”, how I can practice so much seemingly perfect wellness in my life. I shake my head and smile, humbly denying their compliments. But here’s my honest response:

The only way I have come to understand wellness (note that I do not necessarily say “practice” wellness) is because I have so intimately known un-wellness. I was an unusually depressed young child and a very rebellious adolescent. As a young adult, all of my early dysfunction manifested as a personality disorder that, fortunately for me, is among the most subtle and functional of all the personality disorders.

Yes, I practice Yoga, I married a really loving man, I have a meaningful and successful career, I try to eat well, I meditate once in a while and, most important and best of all, I am a loving mother and teacher. But the un-wellness still rears its head – oftentimes unexpectedly.

The dark side of wellness appeared a few weeks ago when I quietly, privately miscarried for the second time. As I lay on my bed accompanied only by strong cramps and forced surrendering, I decided that I never, ever want to go through that – the loss of hope, the lonely letting-go, the strange grief over something that was never really anything, the feelings of failure – again.  And never risking going through another miscarriage again means never trying to get pregnant again.  And, oh my god, I will never be pregnant again.  That time in my life is over.  Commence the grief.  And self doubt.  And an ungraceful transition into yet a new stage of life.

After I digested the reality that life doesn’t unfold as easily for my body as it once did, I momentarily disliked this version of me that is growing older. She is a bit grey in the temples, gets sore more easily than she’d like, has gained weight since hitting 35, is a bit unlike the woman she had always been – youthful, desirable, potentially fertile.  For someone who has always depended in part on her looks and youthfulness, the acceptance of being near 40 is a bittersweet experience, indeed.

So, this is why I am so “well”:  Because I know un-wellness, I make friends with it, and then I embrace it. I experience hideous self doubt, frustration, feelings of failure. But I look that un-wellness in the eyes. I see it, write about it, talk to Nik about it.  I accept it for what it is.

And then I take a deep breath and move on, a wee bit wiser and one step closer to wholly loving the present me.

Ahimsa, the Foundation of Yoga

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Yoga

The Foundation of Yoga 

Before there were Yoga asanas, before there were Yoga mats, before there were even Yoga teachers, there was ahimsa, the very first sutra in the original philosophy of Yoga, and this is the core of anyone’s Yoga practice, whether they realize it or not.  Ahimsa is the practice of non-violence … not necessarily tree-hugging, anti-war, protest-joining, vegan, guilt-inducing non-violence, but rather a compassionate attempt to purposely do no violence to others, including yourself.  You may not be running around flailing a sharp knife at your enemies, and that’s great, but ahimsa challenges us to consider the less obvious ways in which we may be unknowingly, subtly violent.  Ahimsa simply encourages us to be more aware and more compassionate.  Where does ahimsa start?  At the core of all we know: with ourselves.

Practicing Ahimsa On the Mat 

The practice of Yoga on the mat is non-competitive because when we compare ourselves to others, we are doing subtle violence to our psyche.  The practice of Yoga on the mat is accepting because when we judge how we look, how we feel, or what our body is capable of, we are doing violence to our spirit.  The practice of Yoga on the mat is pain-free, because when we stretch beyond our body’s ability into a space that causes us pain, we are doing subtle violence to our body.  Hatha Yoga meets us exactly where we are in the moment, and ahimsa reminds us to graciously accept ourselves and our bodies as we are right now.

Practicing Ahimsa Off the Mat

Ahimsa, the first Yoga Sutra, encourages us  to contemplate, without guilt or judgment, how our actions affect others and the world around us.  From the products we buy to the way we treat strangers, to the food we choose to ingest, ahimsa encourages us to be mindful of what others feel and experience as a result of our actions.  Note that “mindful” does not mean “guilty” (Guilt is just another form of violence we do to ourselves!).  Ahimsa merely reminds us to be aware, to remember that our actions and choices affect others.

One Way to Practice Ahimsa off the Mat

At a very young age, I felt a collective consciousness hard-wired into my DNA, yoking me on some fundamental level to my Indian heritage.  Although my father gave up his vegetarianism at sixteen and I had been raised to eat meat, I had an epiphany at the age of seven when I realized that the meat I had been eating once had a soul, a will to be free, and a right to live, just as I had.  I realized that it was with violence that these animals lived and through violence that they died.  I could no longer eat chicken and say I loved animals.  I could no longer eat pig meat and say I didn’t like violence.  I could no longer eat cow meat and then hug my dogs, whose depth of love and compassion surpassed that of most humans I knew growing up.  With time, I came to believe that, just as the vitamin content of the meat we ingest affects us, so too does the spiritual energy of the meat.  The animal feels a lifespan of pain during confinement, and we ingest that pain; the animal feels fear before its slaughter, and we ingest that fear.  I am not perfect in my convictions or practices. Nor is my diet necessarily the right way for everyone. Nor do I feel I’m better than anyone else. But refraining from eating meat is one way of alleviating the suffering and violence in this world just a little, and it is what works for me.

Ahimsa and You 

Is there a place in your life, whether it be in the way you speak to yourself or someone else, the way you treat the people you encounter on a daily basis, the way you view your reflection in the mirror, or the food you choose to eat, where you can more mindfully foster ahimsa?  

Gandhi's hand writing: "God is Truth. The...

Gandhi’s hand writing: “God is Truth. The way to Truth lies through Ahimsa (non-violence). Sabarmati, 13 March 1927, M. K. Gandhi.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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How You Saved a Life

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77/365

77/365 (Photo credit: ShutterRunner)

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.  - Og Mandino

33,439 Americans committed suicide last year (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) and an inestimable additional number of people around the world had moments of suicidal thoughts … but they didn’t take their own lives.  Maybe, just maybe, you saved one of them.

Like so many adolescents, I had my moment when I was 19 and a junior at NYU.  I was walking through downtown Manhattan, and if you’ve never lived in a major city, believe me when I say, loneliness is merely highlighted when you are surrounded by so many human beings, so many life-sized posters of what you’re supposed to look and feel like, and so little nature.  My boyfriend had left the city for good, and he unknowingly took with him any self esteem, hope for my future, or, well, any reason for living I that I had.  Sounds a little pathetic now, but the reasons why I felt the way I did aren’t the point here.  The bottom line is that I was an adolescent who couldn’t imagine any way out of that dank pit called depression.  I was shuffling down Third Avenue and dwelling on how ending my life would be the best possible answer to my unbearable loneliness without my beloved boyfriend.  Down Third Avenue I moped, hearing that usual cacophony of world languages that had so comforted me for the previous two years, but not really hearing them; seeing store windows ablaze with crushed velvet clothing and patent leather platform shoes, but not really seeing them; inhaling wafts of cigarette smoke, New York brick oven pizza, and car engine oil, but not really smelling anything.  Just mildly noticing, just barely aware, deep in my self-created adolescent misery and self-mutilating imaginings.  I still remember watching my own feet as I walked.  I hated them in that moment.

Until a middle-aged man, about to pass me as dozens of others had, stopped before me.  This stranger looked me directly in the eyes and said compassionately, “Life really isn’t that bad, hon.  It’ll be OK.  Smile.”  Then he walked on with his wife.  Now, I was used to every third man on the streets of New York telling me to smile, since they were under the impression that I existed solely for their eyes’ entertainment, and no sexist man wants to see a pretty woman who’s not smiling … But this was very different.  That man noticed me, saw my despondency, and sent compassion right into my soul in that one fleeting moment.  In that one minute, he actually shook me out of my self-centered downward spiral towards suicidal ideation.  That man saved me that day.

With every action we take, there is a consequence. Whether we’re cursing out the woman who cut us off in traffic, holding the door open for a stranger, gossiping about our acquaintance, or sending compassion into someone who really needs it, we have a choice in every moment to put forth loving energy or harmful energy.  Every action has a resulting reaction in the world.  Every action you take has a corresponding energy attached to it.  Every intention you have, no matter how small, affects someone or something.

Don’t underestimate the power of your own kindness and compassion – You could save someone’s life.  Who knows, maybe you already did.  

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What Makes You Come Alive?

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“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” — Howard Thurman

Mindfulness: That popular term being used by everyone from Hollywood darlings to doctors to Buddhists. But what is mindfulness? In simple terms, mindfulness is “coming alive”. It is being fully awake in the present moment, not merely “awake” as in when your eyes and ears and nose merely perceive things, but when your spirit is fully engaged in the moment, whether by observation or participation.

But if school is dull, or work is drab, or your relationship is monotonous, how can your soul be stirred enough to come alive, to be mindful? The simple answer is this: Do what you love. What do you love doing? You know that activity or hobby that holds you completely enthralled in its grip while you’re doing it, the one that leaves you feeling blissfully peaceful or happy after spending time with it? Maybe you feel most alive when you’re playing the guitar, or playing soccer, or caring for a child, or running, or drawing, or cooking. Then do that. Do it every day if you can. Lose yourself in it. Be it. That is mindfulness.

But what happens if you search within for your passion in life, what you truly love to do, but all you hear is deafening silence and all you see is a depressing abyss? In that case, you might be expecting too monumental of an answer. Scale it back a bit. Maybe it’s as simple as enjoying lying in bed. If that’s the closest you have to a joyful activity at this point in your life, then really feel the softness of the sheets under your skin, inhale the air streaming through the window, experience every inch of your body stretching. That is mindfulness.

Close your eyes and ask yourself what activity sustains your passion and leaves you feeling content, joyful, blissful even. Now, go do it.

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One Step to a Happy Marriage

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Happy Wedding!!

“If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.” - Michel de Montaigne

We are raised listening to Cinderella, watching Sleepless in Seattle, and reading magazine articles on how to keep a man.  We’re taught that our one and only perfect Prince Charming is out there, and once we find him, all will be well.

And then 60% of us end up divorced … and more than half of those divorces end in bitter anger.  Why?  Because we have believed the hype.  We have believed that marriage, and our spouse, should be what it/he/she is not:  laden with romantic ecstasy and thrills, laced with good news, and sprinkled with fairy tale endings.

They never tell us what happens after Cinderella is whisked away by the handsome prince, or after Meg Ryan’s character marries Tom Hanks’. We are led to believe they live “happily ever after”, of course, but what does that mean? Clearly, these are not cases where the handsome prince eventually squanders away all his inheritance on a gambling addiction and declares bankruptcy less than a decade later, forcing Cinderella to go back to school and work two jobs to support the family until her dear handsome prince gets back on his feet again; or where Meg Ryan’s character stays at home every day, rather tired from raising a pair of twins and a toddler, while her husband works 70+ hours a week just to pay for the groceries during a seemingly never-ending recession. Happy marriages are an enigmatic ideal for which we are left pining, but about which we are completely uninstructed.  So, our imaginations fill the gaps with Cinderella living years of effortlessly blissful romance and Meg Ryan’s character experiencing endless moments of being warmly embraced on top of skyscrapers.  Then we wait for our wedding day, for the chance to wear the perfect white gown, to eat that 5-layer vanilla cake, to be the center of attention, to be married.  And three years later, we discover that marriage is not like that wedding day. In fact, married life eventually becomes rather undramatic. And the moment we no longer feel those pangs of excitement, we think that we are no longer in love, that our spouse has changed for the worst, that the marriage must be doomed, when in reality (unless there is physical or emotional abuse, of course), it is simply shifting as we age and change.

Here is one step to a happy marriage:  

Stop believing the hype, and start believing in the reality of marriage, which is this:  The first six months to two years of marriage are often a time of romantic ecstasy, of exploring the newness of your title and place in the world as a “husband” or “wife”.  But eventually (and this is what no one ever talks about), life does happen as it did before you were married, but with even more busy-ness. The trash needs to be taken out, the project at work needs to get done, the bills need to be paid, the car needs to be sold. Then enter the greater challenges of life: the cat passes away, the family member dies, you have a miscarriage. And then enter one of the greatest challenges any marriage will face: parenthood.  At first, nights are often sleepless, meals become rushed, and conversations start revolving around potty training and Elmo.  The truth is, the blissful non-stop romantic ecstasy of the beginning of the relationship shifts. Marriage, like everything in life, changes.  

Try This:

  • Stop expecting marriage to be what it cannot be.  Barring abuse of any kind, embrace the ever-changing, sometimes difficult and sometimes joyful, sometimes boring and sometimes romantic, thing called marriage.  Accept that romance, like our bodies and possessions, changes forms.  Expect less perfection and bliss, and you will experience so much more.
  • Shift your perception of what is romantic or exciting.  Find romance and marital bliss in the minute details of life – in daily conversations over morning coffee, in weekend walks in the woods, in the fact that he scoops the litter or she walks the dogs, in the way you mutually love your children or pets, in the way you can accept and make fun of each other’s idiosyncrasies, in the way you forgive each other for the seemingly unforgivable.
  • Imagine that this is the last day you have with your partner.  What little quirks, small acts of helpfulness, quick glances, or soft touches would you miss?  Now go and appreciate that, because maybe, just maybe, that is marital romance and bliss.

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Copyright © 2013   Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material on this site without express & written permission from  Anitra Lahiri is strictly prohibited.