Category Archives: Memoirs

Little memories with a BIG impact.

To My Students …

I was one thread away from severing 17 years plus a college degree in teaching.  I almost quit teaching … I almost quit you.

The world calls me a teacher.  Over the years, you have called me Ani 언니, Sensei 先生, Didi दीदी and at times, simply, Teacher. I suppose it’s true to an extent: I make you read novels that you don’t really want to read, force you to write essays that you dread, and tell you the difference between a, an, and the.  I plan lessons, scribble on white boards, utilize SMART Boards, manage class discussions, grade papers.  So yes, by definition I am a teacher.

But what the world does not realize, what you may not know, is that I am actually the learner, the student, the one who owes you, my beloved students, the honor.  Over the years, you have taught me that the world outside of America is vaster, deeper, wider than I realized. You have taught me your traditions, your passionate reasons for breaking away from your countries, the value of your reverence for family.  You have helped me to understand why you seethe at the mention of Kim Jong-Il, why you cringe at your grandparents’ memory of what Japan or China or North Korea or America did to your country, why you have pride in your nation even when you disagree with your government.  You have  helped me to understand how Taiwan is and is not a country- depending on who you ask, that there is more than one perspective on the conflict over Tibet, that it is possible to stay sane and optimistic even when you must sacrifice everything to serve your two required years of military service. You live more courageously than I ever could, leaving your lifelong sense of reality half a world away – at such a young age no less. You have demonstrated strength in situations where I would have shattered into a thousand pieces. You have remained composed, patient, and respectful when other adolescents melted into bedraggled puddles of rebellious angst.

Every day for seventeen years, you have thanked  me, whether it’s with your words, the look in your eyes when you learn something new, or the ways you have grown and changed before me.

But I am so thankful to you, my students present and past, because you have taught me so much.

How You Saved a Life

77/365

77/365 (Photo credit: ShutterRunner)

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.  - Og Mandino

33,439 Americans committed suicide last year (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) and an inestimable additional number of people around the world had moments of suicidal thoughts … but they didn’t take their own lives.  Maybe, just maybe, you saved one of them.

Like so many adolescents, I had my moment when I was 19 and a junior at NYU.  I was walking through downtown Manhattan, and if you’ve never lived in a major city, believe me when I say, loneliness is merely highlighted when you are surrounded by so many human beings, so many life-sized posters of what you’re supposed to look and feel like, and so little nature.  My boyfriend had left the city for good, and he unknowingly took with him any self esteem, hope for my future, or, well, any reason for living I that I had.  Sounds a little pathetic now, but the reasons why I felt the way I did aren’t the point here.  The bottom line is that I was an adolescent who couldn’t imagine any way out of that dank pit called depression.  I was shuffling down Third Avenue and dwelling on how ending my life would be the best possible answer to my unbearable loneliness without my beloved boyfriend.  Down Third Avenue I moped, hearing that usual cacophony of world languages that had so comforted me for the previous two years, but not really hearing them; seeing store windows ablaze with crushed velvet clothing and patent leather platform shoes, but not really seeing them; inhaling wafts of cigarette smoke, New York brick oven pizza, and car engine oil, but not really smelling anything.  Just mildly noticing, just barely aware, deep in my self-created adolescent misery and self-mutilating imaginings.  I still remember watching my own feet as I walked.  I hated them in that moment.

Until a middle-aged man, about to pass me as dozens of others had, stopped before me.  This stranger looked me directly in the eyes and said compassionately, “Life really isn’t that bad, hon.  It’ll be OK.  Smile.”  Then he walked on with his wife.  Now, I was used to every third man on the streets of New York telling me to smile, since they were under the impression that I existed solely for their eyes’ entertainment, and no sexist man wants to see a pretty woman who’s not smiling … But this was very different.  That man noticed me, saw my despondency, and sent compassion right into my soul in that one fleeting moment.  In that one minute, he actually shook me out of my self-centered downward spiral towards suicidal ideation.  That man saved me that day.

With every action we take, there is a consequence. Whether we’re cursing out the woman who cut us off in traffic, holding the door open for a stranger, gossiping about our acquaintance, or sending compassion into someone who really needs it, we have a choice in every moment to put forth loving energy or harmful energy.  Every action has a resulting reaction in the world.  Every action you take has a corresponding energy attached to it.  Every intention you have, no matter how small, affects someone or something.

Don’t underestimate the power of your own kindness and compassion – You could save someone’s life.  Who knows, maybe you already did.  

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Losing Faith No More

To any school where bullying, harassment, or mean-spirited behavior is fostered:

You are the reason I almost lost faith in humanity.

In the basement of the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., children’s artwork lines the walls, much of which is boldly stamped with the humbling, optimistic words, NEVER AGAIN. I’ve toured the memorial four or five times, and ending each visit in that basement left me, as a teacher, so hopeful that children of today “get it”, that we humans were evolving, that mass evil could never take over a society again.  In the face of modern day terror- from the booming businesses of sex slavery and child pornography to suicide bombings and genocides- the innocent images and quixotic words that lined the walls of that basement asserted themselves in the back of my mind, assuring me that we humans do learn from our mistakes, that we are, ultimately, evolving.  Never again, right?

My mother raised me to understand that conformity can be the root of evil.  Conforming on a small level could lead to conforming on a big level, an Adolf-Hitler-and-the Nazi-party level.  My mother was born in the Netherlands and was raised during the apex of WWII.  When she was just three years old, they placed a helmet on her little head to “protect” her from the bombs that fell from her sky.  Her only music was the repetitive thumping of soldiers’ steel-toed boots as they marched past her building.  My mother was not Jewish, she did not have to live the terrors of the Nazi regime the same way millions of others did, but she bore witness to it nonetheless.  And so my mother raised me to understand that when we don’t form our own opinions, when we blindly follow the masses, evil can happen.

I became a teacher in part because I wanted to pass my mother’s life lesson on to new generations.  This was my way of making sure that children learned to think for themselves, to follow their sense of right and wrong.  This was my way of trying to make sure it never happens again.  Whether I taught history, literature, or grammar, I wove this lesson in to my classes or conversations with kids one way or another.  Think for yourself.  Never be a blind follower.  Stand up for what is right and just and good in this world.  Never follow the herd just to fit in.  And for years, I saw good children become even better adults who were open-minded and open-hearted, who knew right from wrong, kind from cruel, good from bad.  It seems like such a simple lesson, really.  And it always seemed so easy to pass on to kids.

… Until the three years I spent teaching at a-school-that-shall-remain-nameless-here.  I watched children and adults loathe each other based solely on rumors.  I saw people shrug their shoulders when they heard that a violent or criminal act had been committed.  I heard people lie in order to fit in.  I saw remorseless psychological and verbal violence take place simply because that’s how the cool kids were acting.  I learned that many believe that success is actually based not on one’s ability to think independently, be happy, or evolve spiritually, but rather on how well one follows the leader.

But, what does it matter if you get into a good university if all you know to do is follow the herd, if you cannot stop to think about the ways in which your actions and words impact others, if you cannot  treat another human being with respect, if you cannot maintain a friendship that goes beyond a simple greeting, if you cannot  think for yourself to determine what is moral or immoral?  I saw children earn straight A’s, attend Ivy League schools, get high scores on the standardized tests, acquire accolades for their achievements … but they did not necessarily know how to stand up for what is right, how to be their own person, how to care about something outside of themselves, how to be kind.

A good education is not about high SAT scores or getting into a certain university; education is about teaching children how to decipher right from wrong, how to think, how to embrace diversity, how to live a life with integrity.  Grammar, writing, and literature – pertinent as they may be –  are the means through which I strive to do this.

I lost faith in humanity for a few years there, but three years removed from the school that so damaged my faith in humanity, I now witness random acts of kindness among teenagers, am part of mutually respectful interactions between adults and kids, and am privy to genuine goodness every day that I walk the school hallways.  And when I look into my own heart, I see sincerely good intentions.  Perhaps best of all, however, as my two sons grow up before my eyes, I have the honor of knowing two extraordinarily compassionate and loving human beings who are much like their father.   Through all of this, I am losing faith in humanity no more.  :)

Nate (originally penned May, 2008)

I sat on his black leather couch and was so immersed in his stories that I could barely utter a word. Every story he told had a personal meaning for me, a message from deep in the recesses of fate. “It’s not what George School does with or for you as a person of color that makes you feel pride or shame in yourself; it’s the pride or shame you come to GS with, that colors your experience here.” These words empowered me to see my own experiences, as a minority and as a human, as my own self-created reality over which I do have control: If I view myself as worthy, as belonging, as valuable, then my experiences will reflect that; but if I view myself as unworthy, as less-than, as worthless, then I will be treated as such. Some Native American cultures believe in the Hollow Bone, the open space from the tip of your head to the seat of your soul that allows Spirit to speak through you. When Nate told me these stories, it was like an angel telling me that I was in the right place. He had said exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. Nate moved me to near speechlessness again when he sat beside me at a meeting, sensing that I had something to say but was insecure about saying it, and whispered, “Say it, say it, go ahead and say it.” Never before had my professional voice been so valued. I keep those whispers of encouragement in my heart every time I start to feel unsure of my own voice.

PostScript (March, 2013): Nate, you were an angel when I needed one, and you are an angel to me now, continuing to hear my voice and give it value the way no one else ever had.  I am so deeply thankful that you helped get me through the three hardest years of my life.  And I am so grateful that I called you and told you I loved you.  I know you knew that.  :)

With love, loyalty and gratitude always …

If I Could be a Teacher …

Over the years, people have repeatedly asked me why in the world I decided to become a teacher …

decided to be a teacher when I was eight, when my third grade teacher neglected to report my broken bone and the secrecy that surrounded it to Child and Youth Services.  Of course, at that young age, I had no idea what he was supposed to do with the knowledge that I came to school one day shattered and shy, but I knew he should have done something.  I knew if I could be a teacher, I would protect children to the best of my ability.

I realized the power of being a teacher again when my sixth grade principal noticed I had waited to be picked up from school for two hours – long after all the other kids had gone home.  He sat me down while I waited for someone – anyone – to show up, and he told me that I was important, that I was valuable, that he would always be there if I needed to talk.  I never did talk to him, but the way he made me feel has stayed with me all of these years.  I knew if I could be a teacher, I would try to make invisible children feel seen and cared about, too.

When I learned about the Holocaust, the reality set in that humanity can be ugly on a scale so huge, it is unfathomable.  I told myself that if I could be a teacher, I would teach children to think for themselves, to stand up for what is right and good and just in this world.  I thought that perhaps being a teacher could be my way of trying to prevent such evil from taking root.

In high school, I loved the beautiful idiosyncrasies of the punks, the jocks, the nerds, the artists, the quiet ones, the intellects, the normal ones.  I knew if I could be a teacher, I would soak up that vibrant energy every day.

As a teacher, I learn more in a day than many might learn in a lifetime.  I am challenged, humored, excited, needed, inspired, and rewarded every single day.

… This is why I am a teacher

~

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